O! Woman !!
By TILAK S. FERNANDO

I work in a scientific environment where a lot of laboratory work is done and heaps of documentation go through my îin╣ and îout╣ trays. According to laboratory code of ethics, there are preventative measures indicated in Safety Health Data Sheets to warn scientists, who are working with chemicals all the time, to warn against accidents especially when handling various hazardous material, to minimise accidents and risk to human life. The other day an extra ordinary Hazard Sheet appeared in my îin╣-tray and this is how it read:

ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: WOMAN

SYMBOL: W02

DISCOVERER: ADAM

ATOMIC MASS:

Accepted as 55kg. but known to vary from 45kg. to 225kg.

OCCURRENCE:

Large quantities in urban areas, with trace elements found in most other areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

Surface nor-mally covered with powder and paint. Boils at nothing, freezes for no apparent reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various grades - ranging from virgin material to common ore.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones. Absorbs great quanti-ties of costly subst-ances. Explodes spon-taneously without warning or reason. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USE:

Highly ornamental. Can be a great aid to relaxa-tion.

TESTS:

Pure specimens turn bright red when discovered in natural state.

Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.