Software Companies
Posted by Chinthaka Weerasinghe on November 08, 1997 at 03:11:45:

Those vexatious software companies.


We all know about them. Their software products range from user friendly software to the truly inimical software. Most people would tell you that the majority of software fall in to the latter category. Why?, One might ask. Well, it's just the way it is.To elaborate my point, I present you with the following "Important Notice" I found on the back side of a certain software package.

Important Notice to the purchaser.

 The purchaser of this package, hereinafter referred to as the goose punter, is requested to read the under mentioned notice, and on opening and breaking the seal of this package, shall be deemed to have agreed to the following terms.

 The goose punter undertakes to use the software on one computer only, and not to duplicate the software on to other computers whether owned by the goose punter or not.

 The goose punter also undertakes not to complain about the ridiculously complicated copy protection security system-which requires the goose punter to figure out which of the 30 digit numbers printed in anti-photocopy red to input at 15 minute intervals,-and in return we guarantee that the program will crash and hang the whole system-and destroy all the unsaved god knows how many hour's work- if any of the numbers printed so small that the 3's look like 8's with the help of a typeface the company downloaded from a Mexican Bulletin Board System- are input incorrectly.

 The company guarantee's that their tech support telephone line-staffed by the company director's nerdy son Master John Binary- will be available at all reasonable times except when Master Binary is doing his homework or developing polymorphic viruses to go along with the company's product line.

 The company expects that the goose punter never reads the accompanying manual, having ripped off the package to open it in the bus on the way home after buying it from the country's biggest computer store, fittingly named "Computaz, we gott'em".

Only those goose punters who fill up and send the registration card will be eligible for after-sales-service.

All after-sales-service tasks in Sri Lanka will be handled by our sole agents in Colombo "Compufab Koththu roti bar `n' disco grill".

While the company does not guarantee that this software is free of bugs, it reserves the right to tell you to rot to hell if any of you try to get your consumer protection rights-all of which are nullified by opening the package.

The company expects the goose punter to acknowledge the copyright of the product, the manual, the 83 floppies it came in and all the demo screenshots of the new exciting shoot `em up games the company plan to release next year-assuming the company make a few bob from the car washing business.

 The goose punter is not permitted to use the software for the following purposes :

1) Entertainment, 2) Business 3) Anything else the directors brother-in-law the lawyer hasn't thought of quite yet, but then again he's only doing this as a favour.

 Any claims, promises, Etc. made about the quality of the software in the label of the package-(Eg. 100% bug free, optimised for win95, used by Bill Gates's mom)- are purely guidelines.


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