A man goes to the Doctor and says that he has a serious sexual problem.
When asked to give details, the man says that for a very long time he has
been wanting to put his penis in the bacon slicer. The doctor is
astounded, and gives the man some pills and instructs him to take one
every day and to then come back and see him in a week. A week later the
man returns and the Doctor asks him how things went, to which the man
replies that he couldn't resist the urge and finally just had to put his
penis in the bacon slicer. A little worried, the Doctor asks to take a look
at the man's penis, but on inspection he can find nothing wrong with it.
"There's nothing wrong with you, what about the bacon slicer?" asks the
Doctor, to which the man replies "I don't know, he ran away!"
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic
lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a
consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But,
he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will
give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband
is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own
private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds
gain that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points
down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the
genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this,
the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what
she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy, "for my last wish
I'd like to give birth to twins".
THE SCOTCH DRINKER
"I am the world's greatest scotch taster. I understand you have the
largest collection of single malt scotches in New York City here at this
bar, and I bet you I can identify the brand and age of any of your Scotch
Whisky on a blind tasting. If I'm right, you will give me my drinks for
free plus $100 - if I'm wrong I'll pay for the drinks plus give you
The bartender can't resist, and he proceeds to set up four shots of
unidentified scotches on the bar. Man sits down, gargles with a little
Perrier and proceeds to move through the shots:
After the first shot, he announces, "Too easy - Glenlivit, 12 years old."
"OK", says the bartender, "I figured I'd check you out with a softie."
After the second shot, the man pauses and announces, "Nice try, but I got
it - a Macallan , 18 years old."
"OK", says the bartender, "You're OK, but now you are heading into the
Then, in quick succession, the man downs the next two shots, and, without
pausing announces, "Glen Morangie, 25 years old, and Craggamore, 35 years
old Oak Cask made in a single vat!!!"
The bartender is dumbfounded. "There is only one bottle of the last one
in the whole United States." The man is smiling smugly as the bartender
starts to peel off the five $100 bills when a drunken bum who has been
watching from a dark corner stumbles over and slams a shot down on the bar
in front of the expert. "Try an' identify that baby", slurs the sot. "Of
course, my good man", replies the expert, whereupon he throws back the
shot with a flourish.
Suddenly, the experts face contorts and he spits the drink out onto the
floor. "My God! That's simply awful - it tastes like p***....!"
"Yeah," says the drunk, "BUT HOW OLD AM I???"