Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1 So brunettes can remember them.
A2 Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun
went ? It finally dawned on here.
Q: Why was the blonde depressed when she received her driver's license?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a shopping cart?
A: A shopping cart has a mind of it's own.
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
"Fun. Fun. Fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
A: Because the can't even keep two calves together!
Q: Why do blondes tattoo their zipcode under their belly button?
A: So they can get the male into the right box.
Q: What do blondes and cow chips have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she had given her last blowjob.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't
follow you around for a week.
Q: What is the difference between a blondes legs and cold butter?
A: Cold butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.
Q: Why did they call the blond "Twinkie"?
A: She was always being filled with cream.
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking
down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: A blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch of cunning runts ...
Q. What do you call a blond upside-down?
A. A brunette
Q. What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A. When their on their back's their screwed.
Q. What do blondes and McDonalds have in common?
A. Over 30 billion served!
Q. Why cant a blonde make cool-aid?
A. She can't fit 2 cups of water in the little packet.
Q. What do you call a blonde that dyes here hair black?
A. Artifitial intelligence.
Q. What's the difference between a smart blonde and a ufo?
A. There have been UFO sightings..
Q. Why did the blonde write "T.G.I.F." on her shoes?
A. Toes Go In First...
Q. What did the blonde say when she woke up?
A. Who the hell are you!?!?!
Q. Why can't blondes' pass their driving tests?
A. They always jump in the back seat.
Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A. She kept throwing out the "W's".
Q: Did you hear about the blonde girl who thought her typewriter was pregnant?
A: Seems it was skipping periods.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains?
A: Her husband died.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who lost her mind?
A: She worked in a whorehouse for 6 years and then found out the other
girls got paid!
Q: How can you tell a real blonde from a fake?
A: Fuck her!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
A: The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
A: Whiteout all over the screen.
Q: How can you tell when you're in bed with an blonde man???
A: It's not hard.
Q: How come the blonde had a square chest?
A: She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Q: How do you change a blondes mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blondes' eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: How do you know when a blonde is having her period?
A: When she can't find her pencil and her tampon's behind her ear.
Q: How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
A: With lubricant.
Q: How does a blonde screw in a lightbulb?
A: She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: 100: 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: 100: 1 to screw it in and 99 to say I can do that.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: I hope it's mine!
Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
A: Oh look, daddy, doughnut seeds
Q: What did the blonde say when the job interviewer asked her to spell her name?
A: "H-E-R N-A-M-E."
Q: What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date?
A: If your not in bed by 10, come home!
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: Both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do four blondes have in common?
A: Nothing they can think of.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing in a row?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde in leather jacket?
A: A rebel without a clue!
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet???
A: The winner of a Hide and Seek game.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?
Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
A: An iterpreter.
Q: What do you call a circle of blondes?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a virgin blonde?
Q: What do you have when there are three blondes in a corner?
A: An air pocket.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
A: Her ankles!
Q: What does a blonde say after making love?
A: Thanks guys.
Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning?
A: Are all you guys on the same team?
Q: What does a blonde say in the morning?
A: Who ARE you guys?
Q: What goes "VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH!"
A: A blonde at a flashing red light!
Q: What happened to the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?
A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q: What is a blondes mating call?
A: Oh, I'm soooooo drunk!
Q: What is a brunettes mating call?
A: Have all the blonde's gone home?
Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and smart blondes?
A: They are all make-believe.
Q: What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone's been in a 747!
Q: What's the other difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: A 747 only goes down occasionally, where a blonde....
Q: What's the worst blonde joke of all time?
A: Dan Quayle.
Q: Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
A: Becuase they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
A: To see what's on the other side.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their bras?
A: Tits Go In First
Q: Why do you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: Why do you take a blonde shopping with you?
A: To be able to park in the handicapped zone.
Q: Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday?
A: So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
Q: Why don't blondes like pickles?
A: They keep getting their head stuck in the jar.
Q: Why don't they give blondes coffee-breaks?
A: So they don't have to retrain them all the time.
Q: Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
A: She was eating all the W's.
Q: What did the blond put on the education part of her job application?
A: Huked on foniks wurkd for me!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: What is the difference between a young blonde and an old blonde?
A: A young one uses Vaseline; an old one uses Poli-Grip.
Q: What is the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
Q: Why do blondes smile when they see lightening?
A: They think that they're getting their pictures taken.
Q: How do you know a blonde's been using your computer?
A: Lipstick on the joystick..
Q: How can you tell when another blonde has been sitting at the computer?
A: There's writing over the white out.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says when she wakes up?
A: Who are you?
Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
My husband and I used to always use Vaseline for sex...we'd
smear it on the doorknob to keep the kids from coming in!
Heredity: If your parents had no kids, you won't.
Did you know that OJ Simpson wanted to play baseball?
However, he couldn't find his bloody glove!
Okay, these 3 people wanted to be government spys, 2 mexicans, and an
american. So the trainer hands each one of them guns and says to 1st mexican
"okay, you have to walk in there and kill your wife". The mexican says "Okay
man, I can do this.." So he walks into the house and theres dead silence for a
couple of minutes. The mexican walks out crying and says "Can't do it man, can't
So the trainer says the same thing to the second mexican, and he says
"All right, I'll kill er', I can do it!". He walks in and theres dead silence
for a couple of minutes. The mexican walks back out teary eyed and says "Sorry,
I couldn't do, just couldn't".
So the trainer says to the american "Okay, you know what to do. Walk into the
house and kill your wife". The American then says "Okay, I'll let er' have it.
I'll kill er'!". So the american walks into the house and "BANG, BANG,
BANG.... BANG!!!!". Then its silent, and sounds from the dieing wife echo out
of the house.. "UrrGggHHhhh...". The american then walks out and says "DAMN,
someone loaded the gun with blanks...... so I had to strangle er'....."
What did old armies do with sick dead horses?
Catapult them into the enemy camp.
Where did the tradition of throwing rice at weddings come from?
Throwing seeds;... fertility.... Why did they throw rice?
Because dead horses are too heavy!!!!
What do farts and Texans have in common?
They're both loud, they smell bad, and they won't go back to where they came from.
Why did GOD created blondes ?
Sheep didn't know how to get a beer out of the fridge.
Cochran: OJ, I have good and bad news.
OJ: Gimmee the bad news.
Cochran: OJ, the tests came back and they found your blood everywhere.
In the car, on the walkway, in your house, on your gloves,
socks, mask, and many other places.
OJ: What's the good news?
Cochran: Your cholesterol level is perfect!!
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
curious, efficient self-service.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.
Programmers don't repeat themselves, they LOOP
Q. How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
Q. How many Pentium users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 0.9999999345, but that doesn't matter if you're non-techical minded.
Q. How many progammers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Sorry, that's a hardware problem.
Q. How many technical staff people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Well, the diagnostics check out, so you've got yourself a software
NO BENJI!! Don't play in traffic!! *bark*bar#$#$@ NO TERRIER
If the converse of a statement is absurd, the original statement is an
insult to the intelligence and should never have been said.
1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the
2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment
3) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs.
4) Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will
7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper
clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.
8) Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of
the contingency plan.
9) Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate
10) If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he
11) The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the
area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
12) Talent in staff work or sales will recurringly be interpreted as
13) The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinates'
premonitions only during the postmortems.
14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple
15) On successive charts of the same organization the number of boxes
will never decrease.
Branch's First Law of Crisis:
The spirit of public service will rise, and the bureaucracy will
multiply itself much faster, in time of grave national concern.
First Law of Bridge:
It's always the partner's fault.
Brien's First Law:
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its
ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in
relation to their environment and to their own physiology; when this
occurs, they are an endangered species.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers
something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond
Brownian Motion Rule of Bureacracies:
It is impossible to distinguish, from a distance, whether the
bureaucrats associated with your project are simply sitting on their
hands, or frantically trying to cover their asses.
Heisenberg's Addendum to Brownian Bureaucracy:
If you observe a bureaucrat closely enough to make the distinction
above, he will react to your observation by covering his ass.
(Jerry) Brown's Law:
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
(Sam) Brown's Law:
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
(Tony) Brown's Law of Business Success:
Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bruce-Briggs's Law of Traffic:
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Overdoing things is harmful in all cases, even when it comes to
Bureaucratic Cop-Out #1:
You should have seen it when *I* got it.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions aren't likely to be very
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs:
1) The organization of any program reflects the organization of the
people who develop it.
2) There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
3) Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
4) Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare.
5) I'd rather go whoring than warring.
6) History proves nothing.
7) There is nothing so unbecoming on the beach as a wet kilt.
8) A little humility is arrogance.
9) A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological
Butler's Law of Progress:
All progress is based on a universal innate desire on the part of every
organism to live beyond its income.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading:
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is
proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading:
The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the
decline of the prototype.
Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom):
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language:
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of
a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the resulting
John Cameron's Law:
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Cannon's Cogent Comment:
The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.
All kookies are not in a jar.
Law of Character and Appearance:
People don't change; they only become more so.
Checkbook Balancer's Law:
In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chili Cook's Secret:
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of
something left out, rather than added.
Chisholm's First Law and Corollary: see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law:
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
1) When things just can't get any worse, they will.
2) Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
Chisholm's Third Law:
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by
1) If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
2) If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's
approval, somebody won't like it.
3) Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
4) No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is
The First Discovery of Christmas Morning:
Batteries where not included.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he
will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing has happened.
Ciardi's Poetry Law:
Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes
in any detail about the technical management of a poem, the resulting
irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.