One day Noah was taking a stroll around the deck of the Ark when he came across one of his grandsons fishing off the side. Noah firmly inquired, 'You aren't using worms, are you?'
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap
wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.
The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
The reason god made man first is because he had to make a rough draft before he made the masterpiece.
Sister Mary was teaching all the girls in class S3 at the Catholic school and she was asking what they wanted to be when they grow up, little anne said 'I want to be a prostitute when I grow up'
'WHAT DID YOU SAY!!' Said sister Mary
'I said I want to be a prostitute when I grow up'
' Oh thank god for that, I thought you said a Protestant!'
A man and a woman were just divorced, on their way out of the courthouse they are both killed by a runaway bus. In heaven, they have 2nd thoughts about their divorce so they go to St. Peter and ask to be remarried. St. Peter said 'come back in 15 years!'
15 years later they're back and a minister remarries them. Soon after they start fighting again, and want to split up. So they go back to St. Peter and ask to be divorced. St. Peter throws up his hands and says 'It took me 15 years to find a preacher up here and now you want me to find a lawyer??!!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.
A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulforous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw his former attorney snuggling with a beautiful woman. 'That's not fair!' he cried, 'I have to
roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!' The devil barked, 'Shut up! Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'
There's a Christian who's hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an angry bear. The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge. In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels. Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear. To the hiker's amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer!
'Thank you, Lord!' exclaimed the Christian.
'Thank you, Lord!' exclaimed the bear, 'for this meal I'm about to receive'