The Cynic's Guide To Life
Posted by CPV on December 13, 1999 at 17:05:31

1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at
work in your underwear during a fire drill.

2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner
or later, you'll inhale a bee.

3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me,
either, just leave me alone.

4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just
take another road. That's why the highway department made so
many of them.

5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going
to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the
phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the
receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
he hangs up.

9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four
food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the
caffeine group and the

10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your
car windows are down.

11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real
mess on the neighbor's car!

12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone,
try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them
a noogie or an Indian burn.

13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs
in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the
relatives stay over.

14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to
the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on
your land.

17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't
want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw

[ Back to InfoLanka Jokes Page ]

Back to InfoLanka