Assortment of Jokes
Posted by Bal Vallah on August 13, 1998 at 00:03:06:

Gotta Take Care of It Now

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never
seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one
day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably,
he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some
minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one
evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a
baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees
what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

American Management

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long
to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the
problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the
American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that
too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared
again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review
system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem.

Male vs Female Brains

Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He carefully measured brain
weights, and after many years' accumulation of much data he observed that the average weight of a
man's brain was 1350 grams, that of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was infallible
proof of the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his life, he defended this hypothesis
with the conviction of a zealot.

Being the true scientist, he specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive

The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact that his own brain weighed only 1245 grams.
source: Scientific American [March 1992]

Driving the Goat

A highway patrol officer was sitting beside the road one day when he noticed a man driving with a
goat in the back seat of his car. Hitting the lights, he pulled out, sped up, and pulled the man

"Don't you know its against the law in this county to drive with a goat in the back seat of your

"No, officer."

The officer replied, "I'll let you go this time. But take that goat to the zoo."

"Yes, sir", said the driver.

Several days passed and the officer was again sitting beside the road. The same driver went by with
the same goat in the back seat of his car. The officer angrily pulled the driver over.

"I thought I told you to take that goat to the zoo", he said sternly.

"I did take him to the zoo", replied the man. "And he had so much fun, we're going to Disneyland

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