Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Patient: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't
find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober".
Nurse: "Doctor, don't cut so deep.
That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!"
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out
a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now
and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Smith.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
And the doctor says "I'm afraid you have been diagnosed with a
rare disease and only have a month to live.
GUY: I want a second opinion.
DOCTOR: You're ugly too.
At a major medical convention a noted internist arises to
announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
"What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience.
"Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies.
"Well, what's so miraculous about it?"
"One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of
my patients have paid my bill three or four times."
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make
that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you
have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!!! WHAT could be WORSE?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday
Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of
this operation, doctor. What are the chances?"
Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see
The psychiatrist closed the folder and stared at his patient on
the other side of the room.
"Yes, Mr. Smith, I'm pleased to pronouce you one hundred percent cured."
Mr.Smith sighed. "Gee, that's just great."
"I don't understand. Aren't you happy?"
"Why should I be?" Mr. Smith shot back. "A year ago I was
Genghis Khan. Now I'm nobody!"
"Now, Mr. Hill," said the doctor. "Your complaints are shooting
pains in the neck, dizziness, and constant nausea. Now, just for
the record, how old are you?"
"Doc, I'm gonna be thirty-nine on my next birthday," he replied.
"Hmmmmmm," muttered the doctor. "Got a slight loss of memory too!"
A patient goes to a doctor.
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the medicine for 7 days,
then return for a checkup.
Seven days later...
Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself
cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.
"Doctor, if I take these pills, will I get better?"
"Well no one has ever come back for more..."
Dr. Goldstein was busy with a patient when his nurse burst into the room.
"Doctor!" she exclaimed. "That man you just gave a clean bill of health to?
He was walking out of the office, and he dropped dead. What should I do?"
"Turn him around so he looks like he was walking in," the doctor replied.