Posted by Abdul Wahid on April 06, 1998 at 22:20:00:

Newspaper Ads

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you
can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the

o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children

o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers .

o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and
fur collar.

o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.

o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

o Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

o We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully
by hand.

o No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will
make it really repellent.

o For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

o For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan

o Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

o 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and
smothered with golden fried onion rings.

o Great Dames for sale.

o Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful

o Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

o 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

o Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

o Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

o If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.

o Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

o The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

o Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

o Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

o Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable
that lots of women wear nothing else.

o Stock up and save. Limit: one.

o Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

o We build bodies that last a lifetime.

o Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

o This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.

o For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

o For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

o Man, honest. Will take anything.

o Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References

o Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich

o Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to

o Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

o Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

o Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

o Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

o Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

o 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

o Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

o Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

o Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.

o See ladies blouses. 50% off!

o Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

o Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

o Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
generalhousekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

o Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

o Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

o Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

o And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

o We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for

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